26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme
Federal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges that include bribery in sports, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, wire fraud, and aiding and abetting. What do you think? The post 26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme appeared first on The Onion.
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Giddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In Mouth
WASHINGTON—Panting excitedly as he trotted from room to room displaying his prized possession, a giddy President Donald Trump was reportedly seen Friday strutting all around the White House with a Nobel Peace Prize in his mouth. “Aw, you can tell the president really loves that thing—he even hides it under his bed at night with […] The post Giddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In Mouth appeared first on The Onion.
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Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S.
So-called “pink cocaine,” a hazardous polydrug that can contain ketamine, ecstasy, meth, and sometimes fentanyl, is increasingly being found in U.S. nightclubs among users unaware of its dangerous contents. What do you think? The post Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
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Eerily Calm Draymond Green Returns From Halftime With Large Scar On Forehead
SAN FRANCISCO—In a jarring departure from his usual brash, confrontational on-court behavior, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green reportedly returned from halftime of Thursday night’s game against the Knicks eerily calm, sporting a large scar on his forehead. “Angry noise gone from Draymond head…Draymond good boy now,” said Green, who sat on the bench petting […] The post Eerily Calm Draymond Green Returns From Halftime With Large Scar On Forehead appeared first on The Onion.
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What To Know About Season 2 Of ‘The Pitt’
Medical drama The Pitt, which won five Emmys and two Golden Globes in its first season, is back for season two. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Do I need to watch season one first? A: No, you can get the gist of it by shooting yourself in the […] The post What To Know About Season 2 Of ‘The Pitt’ appeared first on The Onion.
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Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest
Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest, I’m a single mom with a 2-year-old son, and the people in the apartment above us play loud music that wakes him from his naps. They turn it down when I ask, but the volume always goes back up a few minutes later. The […] The post Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest appeared first on The Onion.
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Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As ‘The Jennifer Hudson Show’ Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max Velocity
The post Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As ‘The Jennifer Hudson Show’ Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max Velocity appeared first on The Onion.
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La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine Drip
MONROE, MI—Citing its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips. “There’s no better way to relax than with our luxurious recliners and a steady stream of opioids flowing right into your […] The post La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine Drip appeared first on The Onion.
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Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang
The bride and groom tied the knot this year, 2025, but you wouldn’t know it considering she walked down the aisle to a fucking Lumineers song. The post Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang appeared first on The Onion.
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Dilbert Creator Dies
Scott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert has died at 68, having drawn criticism after veering into far right politics. What do you think? The post Dilbert Creator Dies appeared first on The Onion.
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Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle Finger
NEW YORK—Lauding the commander-in-chief’s response to being heckled at a Ford plant as a stunning physical feat, pundits from multiple media outlets praised President Donald Trump on Thursday for summoning the strength and dexterity necessary to successfully lift his middle finger. “The obscene gesture Trump made in Michigan was brimming with youthful vitality, not to […] The post Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle Finger appeared first on The Onion.
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‘Washington Post’ Publishes Editorial Defending FBI Raid On Its Reporter
WASHINGTON—Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Post published an editorial Thursday defending the FBI’s recent raid on its reporter. “As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. government’s decision to investigate our colleague Hannah Natanson, search her home, and seize several of her […] The post ‘Washington Post’ Publishes Editorial Defending FBI Raid On Its Reporter appeared first on The Onion.
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