3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant
About 3,800 workers at one of the nation’s largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employees and committed other unfair labor practices during contract negotiations. What do you think? The post 3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant appeared first on The Onion.
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Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift
LOS ANGELES—Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood’s highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. “When I heard our film get called, there was no question in my mind—I was going […] The post Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift appeared first on The Onion.
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Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI
PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I’m going to need to […] The post Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI appeared first on The Onion.
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Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores
DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane […] The post Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores appeared first on The Onion.
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Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again
BURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well, that’s another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating […] The post Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again appeared first on The Onion.
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FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter
QUANTICO, VA—Wincing as the bureau’s director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a […] The post FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter appeared first on The Onion.
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Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm
The post Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm appeared first on The Onion.
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Jeremy Stark
Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God. The post Jeremy Stark appeared first on The Onion.
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Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human Breasts
The post Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human Breasts appeared first on The Onion.
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Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL Again
LEAWOOD, KS—Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fiancée Taylor Swift had signed him up for the NFL again. “She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house,” said the 36-year-old […] The post Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL Again appeared first on The Onion.
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Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line
WASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP—I need to convince him to reopen his water,” said […] The post Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line appeared first on The Onion.
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Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. Jordan
HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Expressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. “He’s handsome, he’s talented, and he’s great with my kids,” said the 28-year-old Jenner, who described the connection she had with the Sinners star as “unbreakable” and “unmatched.” “Celebrating his Oscar win […] The post Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. Jordan appeared first on The Onion.
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