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ATLANTA—Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that it had successfully eradicated children. The agency confirmed that children had been the leading vector of disease nationally, posing grave risks to entire communities and contributing significantly to the […] The post CDC Successfully Eradicates Children appeared first on The Onion.
Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all you’ll ever be able to afford because that’s just how things are now. Settle in and get used to it. Reference #830436 The post What Middle Class Looks Like Now appeared first on The Onion.
DANBURY, CT—Marveling aloud that he had rarely been so sure of an athlete’s unbridled potential, Huntington High School head football coach Michael McNeese said Monday he just had a good feeling about a new player that other kids on the team were referring to simply as “Thunder Beef.” McNeese told reporters he tabbed the massive […] The post High School Football Coach Has Good Feeling About New Player Called ‘Thunder Beef’ appeared first on The Onion.